101 Things I've Learned: Listen to the Sidekick

"How long have I known you?"
"All my life."
"Then why won't you tell me where we're going?"
"You won't like it."

Sidekicks are the voice of reason when the main characters are caught up in the quest. They're also the eyes that see the unexpected coming when the heroes are involved in a more important duels. Listen to them. 

"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I did. You weren't listening."

After all, what are sidekicks for if not watching out for the main character? If you have a tag-a-long you might as well make use of it, and if you have an adviser, well:

"I'm your Councilor! I'm supposed to support you!"

101 Things I've Learned: How Do You Know My Name?

(replace with appropriate mental image)

A young woman exits the elevator and inquires of a random character walking past: "I think I'm lost. I'm looking for ward 26?"
Who replies: "This way, Rose Tyler."

A young man falls unconscious and awakens next to a mysterious man's fire. They talk for a considerable time and the stranger (who has not been introduced) calls him by name: "Artose, God has a plan for your life."

If a complete stranger knows your name it is a very good indication a villain is behind it. (Either that or he's a angel or you're having a vision; everyone in dreams knows who you are.) You should never, ever walk off with someone who knows your name when you never gave it.

How do you know my name? Are you an angel, a saint, or a devil?
How do you know my name? Where you expecting me?
How do you know my name? Who sent you? Where's my companion? Where are you taking me?

Unless you're wearing a nametag, or you have your identity printed on your forehead, or you're in a dream, or you know the person you're speaking to, or the person knows a person you know and can identify him, or you have an ID that's scanable from the distance if a strange knows your name... don't go with him. If a stranger knows your name... ask him how. And if he doesn't answer satisfactorily do the smart thing.

And what is the smart thing? Run the other way.

101 Things I've Learned: Don't Open the Door!

*Bugs Bunny carries the Wolf to the door and throws him out*
*He slams the door shut and starts back across the room*
*The door knocks*
*Bugs turns back and opens it*
*The Wolf comes back in*

It's not a very common problem among more serious minded heroes, but it pops up enough in cartoons and comedies that it should be warned against. You're safe inside. Outside lurks the Bad. If you open the door the Bad will come in. If the door knocks, if you hear a strange sound, if you think it's gone, whatever the Bad may do to tempt you, do not open the door. For the minute you do the Bad will come inside and you are no longer safe. 

"I do hope nobody answers."

101 Things I've Learned: Sonic Earplugs

"A word of advice! If you're fighting a man with a sonic screwdriver, never let him near a sound system!"






Timelords may have exceptional ears that allow them to tolerate the high frequency noises emitted by makeshift sonic weapons, but most other humans and aliens do not. Therefore, as a word of caution, whenever sonic devices may be involved be sure to include earplugs. 

"What is that thing?"
"It's a sonic stun gun. Wreaks havoc with your inner ear, doesn't it? Unless, of course, you happen to be wearing some of these."

101 Things I've Learned: The Villian is Always Lying

Rose being threatened by Daleks

"We have your associate. You will cooperate or she will die."

Whenever a villain tells you this, you need to remember one rule. Even if you do cooperate, she'll die.  This is because the villain is always lying. No matter what the bad guy promises you; gold, riches, freedom, the life and security of friends, family, or loved ones, just don't listen to him. Because giving in, cooperating, actually believing him, will always result in this:

"You said..."
"I lied."

Derek and Odette

Of course he lied! He's the villain for crying out loud! He didn't get his horrible reputation for keeping his word! Never, ever exchange your freedom to a villain, or commit some act of treachery based on only his word alone. It takes more courage to stand up to this kind of lying then it does to give in. If you give in you aren't saving anyone.


"I've fought the forbidden arts before, and I'll fight them again, but I am not loosing her."

101 Things I've Learned: Small Shiny Round Objects

You are running for your life. In a field, in a corridor, through a forest, underground, wherever you are, there is something behind you that wants you dead. Suddenly a small round ball comes rolling around the corner and stops at your feet. You stare at it perplexed... and it explodes in your face.

A friend posted the following video on his tumblr blog. He said it was awesome, and awesome it is, but I one thing stuck out to me in spite of all previous awesomeness, and all awesomeness yet to come. It was a round shiny thing.

A round shiny thing that rolled out in front of the bad guys. These are tough guys, sent to capture one of the most dangerous public enemies on the loose. They can handle anything, even if it does take a dozen of them to corner one man. Then this little ball rolls out, and they freeze. Does it exercise some kind of mind control before detonating?

If it's small, if it's round, if it emits a sort of whining noise, if it came out of nowhere, if you don't know where it came from, if someone threw it at you, I have just one piece of advice.

RUN!!!

101 Things I've learned: Introduction

This is the beginning of a new series I'm writing called 101 Things I've Learned from Movies, Books, and Television (in no particular order), also known as Common Mistakes Made by Villains, Monsters, and Main Characters.

I've put off making this list for a very long time because I wanted to number all these things in some kind of logical form of importance. But to do that I must make the list first, and I really want to just start listing them, so I'll start wherever I feel like and continue in a random fashion and number them in no particular order.

So why 101 things? Because it's a catchy number, and when I've finally come up with that many I can just start over with 101 More Things I've Learned, at which point I can take the first 101 things and publish a book. When I've filled up that quota I can publish another book and start over again, and so on and so forth.

Thus begins my endeavor to list all the things I will never do because I've seen too many fictional characters do them.